I’ve lost count at how many times I have started to write this blog.
This is not easy.
It’s all probably going to come out in some blurry mess and no one is going to understand what I am talking about.... but here goes...
A few weeks ago I said I was going to take a break from social media and to be honest I just wanted to take a break from everything and everyone.
It’s been a rough ride for me lately and I just got to the point where I felt like giving up.
The thought even crossed my mind to quit Dushi Designs and sell the business.
I always try my best to be as honest, transparent and authentic as possible with you guys because you are more than just “customers” or “followers”.
I feel like you are really part of the Dushi family, MY family, and because of this I didn’t want to let you down.
I promised at the beginning of lockdown way back in March that I would continue to bring the island vibes. I wanted to focus on promoting positivity rather than promoting my products because it didn’t feel right for me to try to sell my merchandise during a global pandemic.... But on the flip side of that, I still needed to make a living.
It got harder and harder for me to do this because my heart just wasn’t in. I had no motivation or enthusiasm, my creativity just wasn’t flowing. I was tired and exhausted and just felt completely drained.
Six months ago I wrote in my original blog about life in lockdown that this pandemic hasn’t taken over all of life’s problems, it just added to the ones that already existed. And that’s exactly what happened to me.
I consider myself to be a pretty tough cookie and refer to myself as a little warrior at times.
If anyone asks me if I’m ok I usually reply with, “you know me, always soldiering on!”
And for the most part that is true.
But... I’m only human, and everyone has their breaking point.
This year has been mine.
I know some of you reading this are probably thinking, “WTH is she talking about?!”
I live on a paradise island.
I am my own boss.
I single handily run a successful online company.
What the hell have I got to complain about or feel down about? Right?....
2020 has been the year that has flipped my life upside down.
I have had to re-think everything.
I’ve been asking myself the big questions in life:
What is my purpose?
Am I truly happy?
What will my legacy be?
I felt like my “mid-life crisis” came earlier than expected and I wasn’t really prepared for that.
Having spent the last 7 months completely on my own has given me time to re-evaluate my life and that’s a scary thing. Especially on top of everything else that’s happening in the world.
Even though I have been used to being on my own most of life; being an only child, travelling the world, working abroad, being in a long distance relationship for 12 years.... Despite being comfortable with my own company, this year I have felt lonelier than I’ve ever felt before.
I miss not being able to see loved ones, have girly nights in with my besties, get hugs from my Mama.... All the things we take for granted. I miss them. A lot.
But most of all, I missed me.
That wild girl who never wanted to be tamed. That party girl who danced until sunrise. That girl with a heart full of wanderlust. That girl with a head full of dreams.
I missed her the most.
I am not entirely sure exactly when, how or why it happened but I lost myself.
I have put so much time and energy over the last five years in to building my business and taking care of others that I completely neglected ME.
I would feel guilty if I took a day off, I hated saying “no”, I didn’t take a vacation, I never thought about my own happiness.
Instead, I thought that by doing any those things I was being selfish.
If you would of asked me ten years ago what I wanted out of life my answer would of been, “to be happy”.
That’s all I ever wanted.
I have never been a materialistic person. Flashy cars, the latest phone, designer clothes, a big house.... None of those things are what makes me happy.
It’s the small simple things in life that represent happiness to me.
Every morning I would have a ritual of standing on my door step and looking at the turquoise blue sea in the distance. I would take a deep breath and think to myself, “I’m so lucky to be able to enjoy this view”.
Every evening I would stand in the same spot and watch Mother Nature work her magic. As she lights up the sky with her fiery sunsets I would once again take a deep breath and think to myself, “I’m so lucky to be able to enjoy this view”.
Over the last few months I got so consumed with things happening in my personal life that I forgot to enjoy the small things. I stopped my daily rituals. I didn’t even bother to look outside. I was so caught up in all the bad things going on in the world and I kept wondering “how much shit can one person take?!”.
I felt defeated, emotionally exhausted and like a total failure.
The only thing that’s been getting me through this tough time has been my dogs and a handful of my closest friends.
They have been there for me. Listened to me moan and off load all my problems. Tried to cheer me up when I all I wanted to do was cry. Gave me advice and made me see things from a different perspective. I don't know what I would of done without them and I am truly thankful for their friendship.
Most of you know by now that I am a really private person and I always try to keep my private life private.
Because it’s no one else’s business but mine.
Because Aruba is a small island and everyone knows everyone.
Because I hate opening up, asking for help or showing any signs of “weakness”.
Just writing this is really difficult for me and feels really uncomfortable.
Even now, I’m sitting here debating with myself that I should probably just delete this and not say anything. Keep quiet. Don’t speak up. Suffer in silence. Pretend that everything is ok.
I feel guilty for my own feelings.
How dare I have the right to complain when the world is going through a global crisis and others have it much worse than I do right now.
There is so much more to this story though. I am only scratching the surface with what I am sharing with you today. Maybe one day when my head space is in a better place I will be ready to share more but for now this is it.
I am not entirely sure what I want you to take away from this.
I mean I could list all the clichés and motivational quotes and hope that one of them resonates with you like they did with me:
"Your mental health is more important than your career, money, other people's opinions, that event you said you would attend, your partners mood, and your family's wishes, combined. If taking care of yourself means letting someone down, then let them down."
~ Steven Bartlett
"To the strong one: you do not have to hold it all in. You are free to take deep breaths (even before it all makes sense)."
~ Morgan Harper Nichols
"When a woman finally learns that pleasing the world is impossible, she becomes free to learn how to please herself."
~ Glennon Doyle
"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
~ Ian Maclaren
"What you think you become. What you feel you attract. What you imagine you create."
I guess I just needed to get this off my chest and let you know that even the people who you think have got life all figured out.... They haven’t. Nobody really does.
All we can do is focus on our own happiness.
So that’s what I am going to do.
I am about to embark on an adventure and rediscover that girl I once was....
Because she was a happy girl.
Wish me luck!